2010: What’s mattered to us this year

Posted on December 24, 2010 | 4 Comments

So we started this blog as a result of a conversation we had at Christmas last year. Eagle eyed and alert of memory Bright Women will remember that we came about as a result of having a Christmas meal in a private members club where the only other women in the room were the serving staff. This struck us as wrong, we started digging around, trying to define why it was that we, two working mums of very young children who held full time board director roles, were such a minority.

It’s strange to get to the year end and find that the same story still prevails in the press. In fact, it’s more prevalent than ever. Why are there so few women at board level? What happens to all of the bright, cool women who enter their twenties truly believing that they’ll change the world?

So here’s where we stand, at the end of this year:

If the same story still prevails, we need to work double hard to empower women everywhere to blaze a great career trail. We’ll be launching lots of new initiatives next year to do just that.

Work truly matters to us. Being good at our jobs, if anything, becomes more important once we have children, because we want to be positive role models.

Work is only good if it’s stimulating, and meaningful to us, because if it’s not, the sacrifice of spending time with our children is too great.

Working hours change drastically once you have kids. The working day is split around the children. Everyone we know with the kids and career double whammy works school hours, then after they go to bed. As I type this at 11pm, there are literally 1,000s of other Bright Women all over the country tapping away, too (in between wrapping presents, making mince pies, etc etc)

Being a martyr is just not on. Choose your path, change it if it’s not working, but don’t be a moaner. celebrate what you have and what you are.

At the end of the day, it’s all about doing what you love, and being with those you love. These are the two biggest gifts that we can give ourselves.

And whatever you do, and however busy and stressed you are, there is always someone who is having it far worse. Some of the steepest learning curves we’ve been on this year have been about learning to put aside our day-to-day trivial worries, and support those we love who have been ill or in need.

As the year ends, we are counting our blessings, and focussing in on the stuff that really, truly matters to us.

We can live without the rest, it’s inconsequential.

Happy Christmas one and all!

Posted by Kath

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Geraldine Laybourne: Watch this and rethink the way you work

Posted on December 2, 2010 | Leave a comment

Something for all of you having a snow day today – take a few moments out of your routine to listen to this talk

We found it really inspirational.

Do you agree with her points?

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Are you taking the wrong self into work?

Posted on November 18, 2010 | 1 Comment

Let’s face it, there’s not many things in life more terrifying than returning to work after a bit of time out of the office. Your workmates are yammering on about how ‘it hardly seems as if you’ve been gone a minute’ but to you, it can often seem as if everything’s changed.

It can be hard enough after a couple of weeks in Ibiza; even harder after that longed-for sabbatical or extended Christmas break.

So pity the poor souls returning to work after nine months’ maternity leave (t’was only six in my day, not that I took it all, bah humbug…).

Nine months out of work. Why, that practically takes you pre iPad. It definitely takes you pre-ConDem. Pre ‘we’re all in the same boat’ and public sector cuts and tube strikes (or were always with us?). Pre Daybreak (thank gawd I was at home with GMTV during my mat leaves)

None months ago, were we all getting our news via twitter? Networking through LinkedIn? Upgrading to iPhone 4s?

When things change so quickly, you really only have to be out of it for a matter of months to feel – well, totally out of it.

It’s horrendous enough cranking the work personality into gear after a long holiday or week’s illness (those were the days…). What’s even harder is that the women returning from maternity leave haven’t been lying on a beach somewhere. Their body’s been through the biggest trauma of their lives. Their minds are raddled with lack of sleep. Their time is not their own, nor will it be for quite. some. time.

In putting another human being first for so long, they’ve probably eschewed the gym (no creche, too expensive) for a cake and cuppa with another mum or two (unhelpfully resulting in piling on pounds rather than losing that baby weight). They’ve swapped The Today Programme for daytime TV, the news for Waybuloo and adult conversation for babytalk.

With no income to speak of, they’ve downgraded their clothes, their hair and their expectations.

And then they are catapulted back into work, and – no shit, Sherlock – feel a little inadequate, unprepared and, frankly, wondering if they have in fact made the right decision.

It’s another of those ‘why did no-one tell us what it would REALLY be like?’ moments. And a million ways to get it wrong. We’ve all seen the proud new mum returning to her desk, carefully placing umpteen pics of her baby around her desk, in fluffy frames, crying the odd tear, talking about how LOVELY it is to return to work and get some REST from the drudgery of home. Hell, most of us have even been that poor soul at some point.

We spent ages the other day talking with other bright women about how to get it right at work – and shrieking with laughter about the many, many ways there are to get it terribly wrong.

It all seemed to boil down to which personality you take into the office each day. And to our mind, whether you’re returning from nine months’ (or more) maternity leave, or a week on the sambuccas in the sun, we all too often drag the wrong personality into the office.

Ladies, the only personality that you should take into work is the one that gets you your paycheque each month. Last time we looked, that didn’t involve overstocking on fluffy picture frames or staggering around with a shot-induced hangover. Although anytime we find jobs that reward us on those criteria, we’ll be sure to let you know…

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Guilt: the final female frontier

Posted on October 4, 2010 | 4 Comments

rgbstock.com

Little test for you here – how many men have you heard talk about ‘feeling guilty’ in the past week? And how many women?

If your world is anything like ours, you’ll usually find that it’s a trait that doesn’t seem to bother men much as they go about their daily grind. But even the smartest of women find it easy to slip into the guilt trap. Whether we’re feeling guilty for eating that third Tunnocks wafer (or is that just us…?), sliding the cork from that second bottle of wine (again, not just us, surely?) or hitting the snooze button and staying in PJs rather than gym kit, it seems there’s a hundred times a day when we’re genetically programmed to ‘feel guilty’.

Compound this daily internal guilt/pleasure paradigm about the small stuff with larger issues such as finances/working mums/me time, and the whole guilt issue can threaten to overwhelm any associated pleasure in any task or life choice. It’s fine to feel the odd glimmer of remorse if it leads to better decisions next time (will not blow salary on shoes, will find time to take daughter swimming each week etc).

But we really don’t think it’s OK to live our lives in a permanent state of guilt, regret and remorse. And we think that far too many women take this role on in far too many areas of their lives.

So we’re thinking that it’s time to stop the guilt, accept that the balance will never be perfect, and take inspiration from the thought that we can achieve so much more without the constant inner negative dialogue that’s driven by guilt.

One of our Bright Women is doing her NLP training, and we talked a lot recently about why so many bright, achieving women seem to have low self esteem. It’s great to be driven, and achieve, and focus forwards, but not to the point where we forget to celebrate the present, and be happy with where we are.

It’s admirable to have self control, and exercise will power to achieve goals and be our best – but not to the point where we associate any pleasure with guilt, and live our lives in permanent denial of the things that make us happy (even if they are as daft as a liking for cheap chocolate wafers).

Maybe it’s the fact that we’re both now undeniably in our 40s, maybe it’s the fact that we spent a lot of time this week thinking and talking about mortality and how we need to celebrate every minute.

Because when time’s at a premium, as it is for every one of us, we can’t help thinking – feeling guilty has to be the most useless emotion there is. It sucks the pleasure from what we’ve already done (and therefore can’t change) and lowers our self esteem (thereby making it harder to make positive changes in the future).

La Streisand was right, We got nothing to be guilty of. Especially not stuff like being a working mum (you’re a great role model and the next generation badly need these); eating things that we like (why wouldn’t you?), or taking a little time for ourselves each week (a mental health necessity, not a luxury) .

Let’s reboot, and quit out of guilt. Permanently. We’re not responding any more to the triggers.
Posted by Kath

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All the single ladies, all the married ladies…

Posted on September 9, 2010 | 7 Comments

Photographer: Salvatore Vuono

You’d think, wouldn’t you, that companies, especially those at the forefront of technology and communication, would have a whole host of insightful questions that they’d be just gagging to ask us about the way we use their products and services today, in order to shape their offerings in the future. Let’s face it, nothing has changed the way in which we live and work so drastically – and so rapidly – as mobile technology. It’s certainly changed our lives; we can’t actually imagine how we used to juggle the work/life/family balls without smartphones, skype et al.

And yet, quaintly, all our mobile phone provider wanted to know about us last time we spoke was whether we’re ‘a single lady’ or not. We kid you not. This is how it came about…

One of us is a Ms. As in ‘It’s none of your business whether I’m married, single, divorced or otherwise engaged.’ As in ‘It has absolutely no bearing on this conversation how many babies I’ve popped out, and whether anyone likes me enough to put a ring on it.’

So why on earth are they still asking? Surely there are better things that they could be talking to be about, heck, even selling us. In the past month alone, we’ve enquired about iPad contracts, business accounts and a phone upgrade. In fact, it was the phone upgrade question that started the whole married/single line of questioning.

It should have been a simple transaction to upgrade to an iPhone 4. And it started off as a simple phone call that ended with a closing request to double-check my contact details, and the news that ‘a colleague will call you back re delivery time.’

The colleague called back five minutes later to check name and address for delivery and said ‘So that’s Ms, you’re a single lady, and…’

‘Sorry. what did you just say?’

‘That you’re a single lady, it says here that you’re a single lady.’

‘It doesn’t say that as I’ve never given that information.’

‘But it says here that you’re a Ms. Why, aren’t you a single lady?’

‘It’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! THAT”S WHAT MS MEANS.’ (And yes we had somewhat lost our cool at this point.)

So seriously, does it matter whether we’re single, married, divorced or in a polygamous relationship if we’re after a mobile phone, some contents insurance or an ISA? Why are they asking us and what possible use do they have for this data?

Beyonce’s call to arms may be ‘If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.’

Ours? We’re saying that the next time anyone rings us and asks whether we’re a ‘single lady’, we’ll refuse to answer. But we will, of course, be probing very carefully into their own personal history, and hope that the phone call is indeed ‘recorded for training purposes’.

Posted by Kath

Ms
a title of respect prefixed to a woman’s name or position: unlike Miss or Mrs., it does not depend upon or indicate her marital status.

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Sinking into the soft bed of self pity

Posted on August 5, 2010 | Leave a comment

It’s been a testing few weeks on the domestic front. Building nightmares, random robbery of all laptops and holiday money (thanks for leaving the front door open, builders), an even more random flare up row with a friend of a friend that turned into a screaming match in a very public place.

It would be easy to let these things get us down. In fact, to be honest, it would be too easy. Sometimes it can be oh so tempting to sink into the soft, billowy pillow of self pity, pull the woe-is-me duvet over our heads, and retreat from the world for a while.

In fact, now that we’ve shaken ourselves down and taken a good look at our behaviour over the past couple of weeks, we can see that we may well have fallen into that bed a little too easily. To be honest, it was a more comfortable place than dealing with the builders, the police, the forensics, the setting up of all of the laptops again. It’s easy to think that yes, Blur were right, Modern Life Is Rubbish.

But you know what? That soft bed isn’t a great place to wake up every morning. After a few days, it just felt self-indulgent. We were lucky enough to have the builders in anyway, it took years of graft to get the money together. More than that, we were lucky lucky lucky that we had a laptop and euros to nick.

But at the risk of sounding like Pollyanna, we’re even luckier that no-one was hurt, that these things pass, and that we can soon get back to my life that’s lived without day-to-day danger, illness or fear.

It’s all about altitude and attitude, as a Kundalini yoga teacher in Brixton called Amrit used to say. It’s how you react, and how high you can rise above life’s niggles, that will see you in good stead. And it’s also ridiculous to think, or even expect, that life should be plain sailing.

To be the change that you want to see in the world, you just have to be a positive force, no doubt about it. You have to outnumber bad memories with good ones; counteract shabby behaviour with the best of manners; choose laughter not tears, even if at first it is a little forced. So send that friend some flowers, even if they were the one in the wrong. You’ll both feel better. Learn from life’s mistakes, and move on.

And if dodging life’s curveballs sometimes takes the line of a few bottles of rosé rather than some downward dogs, then so be it. Either way, we’re out of that bed and cracking on.

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Can we be feminists and housewives? Er…

Posted on July 15, 2010 | 6 Comments

Banksy, taken by Dan Brady

Another read-through-gritted-teeth piece in the Mail yesterday about a bright graduate who (brace yourselves) has decided not to pursue her career yet, but instead stay at home and raise her children. For a while.

Some of you (most of you) will hardly consider this a story. We agree. Why we think it does warrant a mention is that it demonstrates yet again the fact that any choice a woman makes at one stage of her life is somehow meant to define her entire being for the rest of her days.

So, one graduate decides to put her career on hold and have children a bit earlier (hardly surprising considering the negative press about ‘selfish’ older mothers these days). Who’s to say that she’ll still be at home in a decade’s time – it’s equally as likely that she’ll be out there, conquering some small corner of the working world, safe in the knowledge that she did the at-home years at a time that felt right to her.

Maybe it’s the rise of pornography that’s driving expectations of one-dimensional women who can only do one thing; maybe it’s just the seeming need to label everyone, but we’re finding all of this name calling – ‘mumpreneurs’, ‘lipstick entrepreneurs’, ‘home managers’ et al – a little yawnsome.

Most women that we know and love and admire are many things at any one time. They’re incredible friends, loyal employees, dedicated fundraisers, nurturing mums, good daughters, inspirational managers and supportive partners. Nowadays, it’s not enough to be a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. We have to be – and mostly are – a whole lot more, all on the same day.

One of the best things about being a woman today is having so many choices and options. And being able to change what we are at any one time. It’s not unusual for a high flying board director to switch careers and become a cheese maker or a yoga instructor. Or for a stressed executive to take a year out and go travelling. One of our best friends has just switched from PR to acupuncture, and couldn’t have been happier with either choice at the different stages at which she took them up.

It feels really outmoded to expect us to stay just the way we were and be defined by one life choice made at one stage in our lives. Stages are just that. We are happiest when we take on new opportunities and evolve. To us, a measure of success would be if we’re still causing people to scratch their heads when we’re mad old women wearing purple and say ‘But I thought she was a…’.

Pigeonholing is reductive, evolution is empowering; let’s get out there and confuse the labellers!

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